My Husband Won't Include Me In Family Decisions

I have been married for two and a half years and my husband has never included me in any decision making especially financial matters. His reason is the man is the "amir" of the relationship; therefore, he should deal with all the matters concerned in a marriage and everyday living. However, I am under the understanding that all decisions made in a marriage whether financial or not must be decided as a team. Can you please let me know the Islamic view?

In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Praise be to Allah. May the peace and blessings of Allah shower upon our Beloved Messenger, his family, companions, and those who follow them.

Dear Sister,

The Qur'an speaks of men being "Qawwamun" for women. Scholars have interpreted this verse to mean that men are financially responsible for the maintenance and support of their families. This is a religious obligation. With this responsibility comes leadership. From what I have studied, the man is considered the head of his household in the sense that he is responsible for his family's support, is entitled to his family's obedience, and is required to make sure that his family observes the limits of Allah. However, this does not mean that the man is the dictator of the household. Obedience to the husband is conditional on the premise that he is commanding his family in the lawful. If, for example, he orders his family to do something unlawful, they are required to disobey him.

Furthermore, a man's leadership is supposed to be characterized by wisdom and compassion. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, "Allah will ask every caretaker (ra'iy) about the people under his care, and the man will be asked concerning the people of his household." (Ahmad, Nisai and Abu Dawud). So, according to the words of the Noble Prophet, the man is the caretaker of the household. What does caretaking imply? It implies loving concern. I have also heard scholars say that the woman is the queen of her household, meaning that it is not necessary for the husband to control every aspect of the household.

What husbands and wives should do is strike a balance in terms of qawamah and shura, or leadership and partnership. There are certain matters where the husband should get the ultimate say. There are certain matters where the wife should get the final say. It is up to the couple to determine which issues they feel they should have the final say in, and which issues are the province of the other spouse.

The wife, as an adult, should be treated as such. If she would like to be involved in household decisions, such as finances, it is only to the husband's benefit to involve her. You should explain to your husband that when each member of the family feels like their input is valued, they will be more motivated to contribute to the family's wellbeing in whatever way they can. It is imperative that each member of the family feel they have a stake in the family's success. If your husband can learn to delegate certain responsibilities to you, or at least share them with you, then insha'Allah this will contribute to the overall wellbeing of your marriage as well as being an indication that he is willing to see you as a partner in his life.

A wise leader benefits from the counsel of those around him. Allah Most High gives us the example of Bilqis as a wise ruler who consulted those around her. (Qur'an 27:32) Allah Most High also mentions shura or mutual consultation as a characteristic of the believers, "Those who hearken to their Lord, and establish regular Prayer; who (conduct) their affairs by mutual consultation; who spend out of what We bestow on them for Sustenance." (Qur'an 42:38) The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, "The most perfect man of religion is one who excels in character. The best among you is he who gives the best treatment to his womenfolk." (Tirmidhi) Be patient with your husband, but be firm about your wish to be more involved. Insha'Allah when your husband sees the benefit of having your input and organizational skills, he may be more inclined to involve you in family decisions.

And Allah knows best.

Umm Salah (Zaynab Ansari)