Parents' role in our life and obeying them

During a khutba, our khatib was narrating a list of things that a muslim should be doing in regards to relationship/treatment/behaviour to mankind. Among them one was that we could not refuse our parents in the decisions they made with regards to who our companions/friends/ acquaintances should be or the same with regards to our properties. In other words, our parents can make those choices for us and we cannot refuse them.

From what I understand, our parents are our gaurdians, teachers, caretakers as children, and once we grow up into adults, we are responsible for our actions. I dont remember hearing anything where it would be a sin to not follow what our parents want us to do, when we are grown up, adults and married. Even if we make wrong choices, as far as I know, our parents can advise us and help with their wisdom and knowledge, and we in turn are to respect them, but are we also to only follow what they desire for whom we speak to or what we do with our properties? And by this question, I dont mean to ask about choices we make regarding haram things. Haram things are haram, regardless, and I feel every grown, has a choice to make and choose the halaal and right stuff.

My concern for this question is also because, parents are not always or not necessarily always those that make the right choices or have their heart and head in the right place. There are parents too who lead their children wrong and astray depending on what their priorities are and how important islam is to them. For example, if parents are given a choice to make decision on our partners, then what it to say that inlaw will not misguide and use this to make their children divorce or leave their spouse?

In the Name of Allah, with blessings and peace on the Messenger of Allah

Walaikum assalam wa rahmatullah,

I pray that this finds you well, and in the best of health and spirits. May Allah grant you all good and success in this life and the next.

Being good to one's parents is an unconditional duty. Allah Most High says,

"Thy Lord has decreed you shall not serve any but Him, and to be good to parents, whether one or both of them attains old age with thee; say not to them 'Fie' neither chide them, but speak unto them words respectful, and lower to them the wing of humbleness out of mercy and say; 'My Lord, have mercy upon them, as they raised me up when I was little.'" [Qur'an, 17.23]

The verse explains what it means "to be good to parents." It entails:

(a) talking to them respectfully, and avoiding all harsh speech;

(b) treating them with respect, gentleness, and mercy;

(c) being loyal to them, with a sense of dutifulness, and remembering them in their worldly and spiritual needs.

As for obedience, it is often a manifestation of being good to parents. However, obedience is conditional: parents aren't obeyed in the haram or in leaving obligations; nor in leaving sunnas or doing things religiously disliked, unless there is an overriding interest; nor in the non-fulfillment of the rights of others. When one doesn't obey one's parents, one must still be good to them.

And when one obeys them, one has to be careful to do so in a manner that entails 'being good' to them in word and deed. Someone respectfully disobedient could 'be good' to their parents, and someone disrespecfully obedient could fall into the major sin of being bad to parents.

And Allah alone gives success.

[See Related QA.]

Faraz Rabbani