Motherhood affecting my iman?

Assalamu Alaikum,

Post-pregnancy is one of the toughest times for a female and especially for a Muslim female. Research shows that 80 percent of new mothers have severe mood swings, known as baby blues, and 10 percent suffer major postpartum depression (PPD) in the first year. Matters are exacerbated when there are other young children in the family as well. The birth of a child challenges the mother in many ways: hormonally, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and biochemically. Mothers are likely to feel exhausted, excited, frustrated, and elated — all at the same time. No wonder they feel so stressed out. Having a child is like being in an all-day aerobics class: mothers are perpetually cuddling, bouncing, and pacing the floors with a motion-sensitive infant.

That is probably one of the main reasons why non-Muslim females don’t want to have more than a couple of children because it’s just too hard for them to bring up the children. Another reason why non-Muslim females in the west don’t want to have more than a couple of children is because it will hamper their professional careers. It’s not easy for mothers to take care of young children who don’t sleep at night and then go to work early next morning. It becomes extremely exhausting for them so they opt for not having children or if they do have children, then usually not more than two.

We also see in various pictures and on the many billboards that when there is a picture of a family, there are only four people there: mother, father, daughter, and the son. And why don’t they want to let go of their professional careers? Maybe it’s because they are leading an extravagant lifestyle and they need to keep their jobs to maintain that lifestyle. If they let go of their jobs, then their extravagant lifestyle will come tumbling down. In order to maintain the extravagant lifestyle, they would rather keep their jobs and not have children than to let go of their jobs and have children. Is it a generalization? No. Am I trying to paint everyone with the same brush? No. So that was one option a female could take to stay away from post-partum stress.

The other option is that you don’t throw out the baby with the bath water and say that I’m not gonna have any more children because of the exhaustion attached to it! The mothers instead happily procreate and bear the post-partum exhaustion with the firm belief that they will be rewarded tremendously for it by Allah. And Insha Allah if the Muslim mothers/sisters keep the following tips in mind, then it will be much easier for them to bear the exhaustion and tiredness which increases after childbirth:

A) Be punctual with reciting those words which were given to Fatimah (R.A.) when she complained to her father Sallallahu Alaihe Wasallam about exhaustion and tiredness because of doing arduous and laborious jobs. She was instructed to read 33 times Subhanallah, 33 times Alhamdu Lillah, and 34 times Allahu Akbar at the time of going to bed. (Reported by al-Bukhari, 4943)

Hafiz Ibn Taimiyah has deduced from the Ahadith, in which Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihe Wasallam instead of giving a servant to Fatimah (R.A.) advised her to recite the above mentioned Kalimahs, that one who does this Zikr with constancy will not get tired while doing laborious jobs. Hafiz Ibn Hajar has stated that, even if he feels somewhat tired, it will not harm him in any way. Mulla Ali Qari stated that it had been well-tried that the recitation of this Zikr before going to bed eliminates weariness and increases strength.

B) Sleep as much and as often as you can because sleep deprivation will make everything seem worse. If your baby is keeping you up at night, make sure to rest when your baby is napping. This is not the time to clean the house. Sleep is nature's way of giving you time to recuperate and keep your system working in tip-top shape.

C) All the good deeds that your children will do throughout their blessed lives, you will get the reward for it as well Insha Allah. When you pass away, as we all will one time or another, if you have left behind pious children, they will send you blessings and rewards.

D) If your intention is to recite the Quran and you were not able to do so because of reasons beyond your power, then Insha Allah you will get the reward for it. If a person has the intention to wake up for Tahajjud Prayers, and took the means to wakeup, and still didn’t wake up, the person will be granted the full reward for waking up for Tahajjud Prayers. If a person becomes sick, and is not able to do the normal pious actions which he was doing, then Allah will still grant the person the reward for those actions even though he didn’t do them. So it is hoped Insha Allah that you will be granted the reward of those pious actions which you have full intention to do, but just can’t get around to doing them because of exhaustion due to taking care of the needs of your children and your husband. Is there anyone more generous than Allah?

E) Once your children grow up, Insha Allah you will find more time to recite the Quran and make Zikr of Allah. The state which you are in now is only temporary. But at that time, you will be getting your own reward for your pious deeds as well as the reward of the pious deeds which your children will be doing as well. Isn’t that so wonderful?

F) In a Hadith narrated in Kanzul ‘Ummal, the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihe Wasallam mentions, “In Paradise there is a house called Darul Farh (House of Happiness). Only those people will be able to enter it who used to keep their children happy.” Since you are trying your best to keep your children happy, you will also be granted permission to enter the House of Happiness.

G) You could take the option of birth control and not have children till you think your present children are old enough with the intention that you will be able to give the next child proper time and care. Practicing contraception for the purpose of spacing children so that adequate time can be given to each child is permissible in Islam. In Muslim countries, people have all of their immediate relatives living with them who help out in taking care of the children. The same is not the case in countries where Muslims have migrated to. Sometimes it is only the husband and wife living in the city and all the other relatives are either in a different city or in a different country all together which makes it hard for the mother to take care of the children all on her own. In such cases, it would be advisable that childbirth is delayed for a couple of years at least. You can view the following link for further information on this point. It is a long discussion so you might want to scroll down to the ending of the discussion to the subheading titled: Spacing Children.

Birth Control: An Islamic Perspective

If you don’t want to practice birth control, then you could always once in a while find a baby sitter to take care of your older children for the day.

H) You should try your best to perform your prayers at the beginning time of each Salat. If the time for Zuhr starts at 1:00, then make a strong intention to perform your Zuhr prayer a little after 1:00. Insha Allah, most of the days you will be performing your prayers at the beginning time and on some days you will forget about it, but Insha Allah you will remember to pray it before the time finishes. But if your intention is to pray Zuhr before the time finishes, then on most of the days you will perform your prayers before Asr time sets in but on some days you will forget and you will miss your Zuhr prayer. Therefore, make a firm intention to perform your prayers as soon as the time sets in.

When your husband is home, tell him to take care of the children especially when you are performing your prayers. Also, he should help you out as much as possible in the housework. When your husband is not home and your children are sleeping, try to perform your prayers in the room where the children are sleeping. Insha Allah that will alleviate some of your worries. Try to recite Surah Ikhlas as much as possible because that will earn you tremendous rewards in a very short period of time. Reading it just once, will earn you the reward of reading 1/3 (one third) of the Quran. If you read it 3 times, you will get the reward of reciting the complete Quran! Subhanallah! It’s so easy to earn rewards. You are not doing anything wrong. The best thing to do in this situation is have patience and you will be rewarded tremendously Insha Allah.

This is all I know and Allah knows best.

Sincerely,

Nazim Mangera