Getting to Know a Girl to Decide if I want to Marry Her

Since I started practising I have been really trying my hardest to keep away from looking at women. There is a girl I know who used to be in my class in school and seems to be a good Muslim, she wears hijab, but I don’t know if she reads her salah because I haven’t talked to her since I started practising she seems to be a really nice person and I am thinking of getting to know her to marry her. The question is: am I allowed to talk to her as long as I don’t exceed the boundaries of the shariah? How can I marry her when I don’t know her properly I have to talk to her to get to know what kind of Muslim she is and vice versa, she has to know me, I can’t just marry her blindly without knowing what kind of Muslim she is and I don’t know who her parents or her family is. So how am I supposed to ask her to marry me? Please enlighten me without referring to past Q&A because it is very hard to look for the right answer.

Wa Alaykum Assalam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatuhu,

In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful & Compassionate

May Allah give you ease and tawfiq in lowering your gaze and earning His good pleasure, Ameen. If, from what you have observed in a halal manner, the sister in question is pleasing to you in her beauty, ways, and how she is towards others, you would do well to listen to the advice previously given by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani in answer to this question:

“It would be best to find out about her through people who know her well. The central concern should be about her ‘deen’ (religious commitment), character, and personality.”

This is sound advice, and it is the Sunnah. It is the best way of finding out about someone you are interested in marrying because the individual in question (especially if they are also interested in you!) will be on high alert and will put on their best character and offer you their own heroic narrative. This is the nature of human beings, and should not take anyone by surprise!

If what you find out from the person’s close friends and family pleases you, it would be best for you to formally approach her guardians through your guardians, elders, respected community members, or yourself. If you don’t know her parents, inquire through a third party and get their contact info. At this point, within the bounds of the Sacred Law, in the presence of her wali, you could sit with her to discuss any pressing issues, and decide if you do indeed wish to wed this person. Make Istikhara (the Guidance Prayer).

The links to previous Q/A that were originally provided, and are provided here once more, are carefully selected as they relate to, and very often directly answer the question at hand. As a reminder to myself and everyone: the answers are often there, and anyone sincerely concerned about their deen, pleasing Allah, and finding the answer to their question, should want to read everything related to problem or issue at hand. This is not ‘hard’ for those who truly wish to enlighten themselves.

In the past, Muslim scholars would walk to cities on the opposite ends of the Empire in search of a single hadith, or a scholar with whom they wanted to meet, and after a single conversation, would turn around and walk back home. These distances were often from as far as West Africa to Persia, and yes, they were human beings – human beings endowed with yaqin (certainty) and a fervent desire to learn in order to please and obey the Lord of the Worlds, for they saw everything coloured with the eternal consequences of what they did. This is not to be harsh, for you are more than welcome (and encouraged!) to ask questions on SunniPath. Rather, this is to serve as sincere counsel to us all, to learn all the fiqh related to our lives, for when we do not know, we are bound to make mistakes.

May Allah give you tawfiq in finding a suitable spouse, and may He Most High grant you a blessed marriage that is a means of attaining bliss in this world, and Jannah in the hereafter. Ameen.

A previous post by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani:

The human being is made up of various faculties, which are closely linked. These include the heart, mind, body, and soul. The general goal of the believer is to maximize the good related to all these faculties, according to the standards of the guidance of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace), as embodied in the Shariah in all its dimensions.

Weigh the benefits

As such, you have to weigh the benefits of marrying this person in terms of your worldly future, and the stability and direction it will bring you.

Consider how this will impact on your religious practice and commitment to the religion of Allah and His Messenger (blessings and peace be upon him).

Consider the emotional fulfillment marriage brings, for each spouse is a ‘garment’ for the other, and humans have an essential need for this covering and the warmth, love, mercy, and fulfillment it brings to one’s life at all levels.

Think things through and pray istikhara. You should think these things through, seek advice of those older, wiser, and more knowledgeable, and then pray istikhara.

How about love?

Love is something that cannot be explained: it is beyond reason. If the person you marry is a responsible individual of good character, a committed Muslim, and you live a happy life, love will inevitably grow.

As Shaykh Ahmad Talal of Toronto (Canada) once said, “In the West, they say that love is a madness that ends with marriage. But in Islam, we say that love is a madness that only begins after marriage.” This is true and lasting love that is based on good and fulfillment at the level of heart, mind, body, and soul.

Like Walter Raleigh (d. 1618), the explorer and courtier, said in Walsinghame,

“But true love is a durable fire,

In the mind ever burning,

Never sick, never old, never dead,

From itself never turning.”

And the best of love is the love of Allah, and all love that is a means or part of this true love.

“And those who believe are overflowing in their love of Allah.” (Qur’an, 2.165)

And Allah alone gives success.

Wassalam,

The Sunni Path QA Team

Please also see the following links in relation to your question: