I want to marry someone, but my family insists that I marry someone in the family. What do I do

Assalamu Alaikum,

Long term it would be better for you to try and convince your parents in as nice a way as possible that you would prefer not to marry a cousin, as you would prefer a person of deen such as Br. X. It is important that you always remain calm and give the utmost respect to your parents when disagreeing on this matter. I agree, it would take some time to convince them, but long term it would be better to try and get married with your family’s blessings, rather than get married behind their backs and they find out about it later.

In the meantime, I would continue to keep Brother X at a distance, and not to contact him, even if it be for simple advice. Many other brothers and sisters have fallen into haram in this type of situation, so please be wary.

Abu Hurayra reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "A woman can be married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. Seek the one with religion. May your hands be in the dust!" [Agreed upon] From this we see that you are right in choosing a brother based on religion, but at the same time do not neglect the respect due to your parents.

Allah Almighty says, "Worship Allah and do not associate anything with Him. Be good to your parents and relatives and to orphans and the very poor, and to neighbors, who are related to you and neighbors who are not related to you, and to companions and travellers and your slaves." (4:36) The Almighty says, "Have taqwa of Allah in whose name you make demands on one another and also in respect of your families," (4:1) and the Almighty says, "Those who join what Allah has commanded to be joined." (W13:23; H13:21) The Almighty says, "We have instructed man to honor his parents," (W29:7; H29:8) and the Almighty says, "Your Lord has decreed: that you should worship none but Him, and that you should show kindness to your parents, whether one or both of them reach old age with you. So do not say 'Uf!' to them out of irritation and do not be harsh with them but speak to them with gentleness and generosity. Lower to them, out of mercy, the wing of humility and say: 'Lord, show mercy to them as they did in looking after me when I was small.'" (17:23-24) The Almighty says, "We have instructed man concerning his parents. Bearing him caused his mother great debility and the period of his weaning was two years: 'Give thanks to Me and to your parents.'" (W31:13; H31:14)

Ibn Mas'ud said, "I asked the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, 'What is the best action?' He said, 'The prayer in its time.' I said, 'Then what?' He said, 'Dutifulness to parents.' I said, 'Then what?' He said, 'Jihad in the way of Allah.'" [Agreed upon]

Some previous answers may also apply to your situation:

Disclosing previous (secret) marriage

Secret marriage when they fear falling into haram in engagement times...

Marrying in Secret? Without Parent's Permission? Don't.:

Shireen Ahmed
Teaching Assistant
SunniPath Academy