How Does One Deal With An Abusive Father?
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Question
What should one do if their father is mentally abusive to the children as well as his wife? He refuses to allow anyone in the house to meet any relatives (it has been decades) even those nearing death, and verbally/mentally abuses his wife. He limits the amount of deen that can be practiced and is extremely controlling as though he is back home in Arabia. He constantly condemns his family to hell. He has caused immense grief and sadness to the wife & children and treats them as utter slaves and assets rather than human beings and companions. This has led to bouts of depression in the children and mother. The mental abuse is now taking a physical toll on his wife. He is constantly focused on acquiring wealth and makes his wife work outside the home though he is well off. What is the role of the children? Should they stand by and watch this done to themselves as well as their mother? Is this oppression on the part of the father? Is it permissible to leave such a man? The children try to be respectful due to them having the zeal for deen and some knowledge but how far does respect go? Should one simply obey and not go against ones father? Due to his neglect some of the children are very far from deen and the mother, who tried to teach as much deen as possible to her children on her own can no longer do anything because the children have grown up. Is it permissible or perhaps even preferable for the members of the household to leave him to protect their health, future and most importantly their deen? How much can the children and wife explain to such people even after being patient and constant on their advice? The children still love and respect him due to the rank Allah has given him but know that this situation must change. Is there a righteous manner in which this could be done? Somewhere deep inside him there is a spark of a good heart but how can we reach it and how much more damage should we take to reach it?Answer
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Praise be to Allah. May the peace and blessings of Allah shower upon our Beloved Messenger, his family, companions, and those who follow them.
Dear Questioner,
The situation you have described definitely sounds like you and your mother are being mentally and emotionally abused. Abuse takes many forms and is not limited to hitting and slapping.
Your father needs help. Since you children are grown up, I do not see why you cannot take the initiative and get your family the help they deserve. I strongly urge you to take your family to a qualified Muslim family and marriage counselor, or to a respected Imam with experience in family issues.
There are several issues here:
1. Your father is forcing your mother to work, when Islamically speaking, he is not allowed to do that.
2. He is verbally and mentally abusive and has created an atmosphere of fear.
3. He prevents you from learning your deen.
4. He prevents you from visiting relatives. In Islam, it is a grave sin to sever family ties.
All I can suggest is that you sit down with your mother and siblings to determine some joint strategy your family can pursue. Your mother and father's relationship may not be something you can fix. I think it is up to your mother to decide if she wants to remain married to your father.
But you, as your father's children, regardless of what your mother decides to do, can still have a healthy relationship with your father. However, it will take love, patience, and lots of sincere prayer to Allah Most High.
I would recommend a family meeting, if you think it will be productive. The longer these issues are swept under the carpet, the more they will build up. There should be parameters for such a discussion: no fighting, no name-calling, everyone listens to the person talking, etc.
Once again, whatever you decide to do as a family, you definitely need to refer this case to a scholar or counselor.
May Allah give you and your family healing and understanding.
And Allah knows best.
Umm Salah
This answer was published by SunniPath and is preserved as written. Rulings can depend on circumstances; for your own situation, consult a qualified scholar.
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