Can they marry me off against my will? Refusing unsuitable suitors, being good to parents, and the art of marital trench warfare with love and good character...
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Question
A sister's parents have found a suitor to be all that they were hoping for and wish for her to marry him. The suitor himself is quite set on marrying her and is unbelievable persistent. The sister, however, cannot at all see herself married to him for several reasons. She has even done istikhara, after being prodded, several times, and her heart is not at all comfortable with the idea. She has objected to marrying him over and over again, making her feelings clear to both her parents and him. Despite this her parents have told her that that they have given his parents a yes and want her to start making wedding arrangements. She is beside herself with grief and confusion, and realizes that every time she attempts to reason with them her words end up hurting them, and she says things she wishes she hadn't. Her parents say that they are disappointed in her for not taking their wishes seriously and for being disobedient. They say that her non-compliance is hurting them deeply and that she is making a huge mistake. They say that she is not learning Islam properly and that she has no consideration for the pleasure of her parents and that she is shaming them in their community and family by not saying yes. They say that had they been forcing her, they would have had her nikkah done already, yet she feels that all of the emotional pressure, guilt, and blackmail is a form of forcing her. This sister cannot understand why her parents are so set on her marrying unhappily, and why they seem to have no regard for her own feelings, even after she has done istikhara. She is starting to resent the suitor himself more and more as she does not understand why he will not take no for an answer, and is unsure as to if he understands how much of her subsequent grief he is partaking in. He does not seem to be a bad person at all, but she definitely does not believe he is doing the right thing. Has she the right to say no, despite her parents extreme displeasure to the point of their health being affected?Answer
Walaikum assalam,
Islamically, an adult woman has the right to choose or agree to the person she will marry, for the obvious reason that this is the person who will be her companion and ameer for the rest of her life.
The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said , “A virgin cannot be married until her permission is sought.” [Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi, Nasa’i, and Ibn Maja, from Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him)]
If the person is not suitable for religious reasons, or because she does not like his character, personality, or something else that will not make her happy or secure with him, then she has the full right to refuse to marry him, and her parents cannot force her to do so against her will. Then, if she continues to refuse, the marriage will not be valid. If they force her to accept against her will, they will have wronged her.
In `Allama Qudri Basha’s definitive codification of Hanafi person law, it states that:
(Item 53)
* An adult free woman cannot be forced to marry, whether she is a virgin or a non-virgin.
* Rather, it is necessary to get her permission and approval.
* If she is a virgin and her immediate guardian (wali), or his agent (wakeel) or messenger (rasul) sought her approval before marrying her off or if he married her off... and she knew the husband and the mahr and maintained her silence from refusing, without being forced, or smiled or laughed without doing so scoffingly, or cried without a voice, then [in all these cases] this is considered an approval [f: legally, though it is religiously recommended to seek explicit spoken approval]... (Qudri Basha, al-Ahkam al-Shar`iyya fi’l Ahwal al-Shakhsiyya)
This is confirmed by Imam Haskafi and Ibn Abidin in Radd al-Muhtar `ala al-Durr al-Mukhtar (2.298-299, Bulaq ed.) and other major texts of the Hanafi school.
Refusing in the best of ways
The sister should think things through, and seriously consider whether her parents are, in fact, right. [See answer below on ‘Marrying for deen’]
However, if she concludes that the suitor in question is simply not suitable for her, she has every right to refuse.
Given this, they have no right to marry her to someone she does not approve of, especially if he is not religious.
She will not be wronging her parents in any way by not obeying them in such a marriage, though she must remain polite, non-confrontational, and well-mannered, for this is their right.
Giving parents their rights, too
This is because giving someone (even oneself) their right does not permit one to take the right of others.
The Prophet (Allah bless him & give him peace) instructed that we, “Give everyone who has a right their due right.” [Hakim and others]
It is the unconditional right of one’s parents that one treat them well, with respect and righteous behavior.
Allah Most High instructed us and those before us,
“Worship none save Allah (only), and be excellent to parents.” [Qur’an, 2.83]
And,
“Your Lord has decreed, that you worship none save Him, and (that you show) kindness to parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age with you, say not “Fie” unto them nor repulse them, but speak unto them a gracious word.” [Qur’an, 17.23]
One brother explained his marriage process, and the troubles he went through with parents and family, which he dealt with admirably, as, “Trench warfare, where my only weapon was patience, good character, and being exceptionally nice until everyone was simply ashamed to try to convince me against my will.”
There are several related answers in the Marriage section at (http://www.SunniPath.com)
And Allah alone gives success.
Wassalam,
Faraz Rabbani
This answer was published by SunniPath and is preserved as written. Rulings can depend on circumstances; for your own situation, consult a qualified scholar.
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