Bisexual husband
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Question
I have been married for a year to my husband. Recently I discovered he was having a sexual relationship with another man whom i had considered to be his close friend.
Apparently, before we got married, my husband was confused with his sexuality and had met up with this man. They were just friends initially but one thing led to another. At the same time, he started dating me and felt that this was the right relationship for him and tried to break off with the man.
I did all the correct things - pray istikharah, consult family members etc and shortly we were happily married. We would pray jemaah together all the time which made me think my husband is a religious man. Our sexual life was just about satisfying (although he was usually travelling but I put it down to him working hard for his career and family).
But the man started to call and meet my husband again. My husband started seeing him again on and off as this man would occasionally threaten to tell everyone of their past relationship. My husband was too scared to tell me then.
I had been suspicious initially but because I fully trusted my husband i did not act on my suspicions. However, things have come to head on between him and this man, and in an act of anger, this man rang me up and told me everything. My husband finally confirmed the truth. My husband knows what he did was wrong but this man is very aggressive and violent. My husband has tried to break up with him a few more times and they would end up punching each other. This man will corner and track down my husband. My husband feels he cannot run away from this man.
My husband now feels that all this is too much for him. I think he feels the situation is hopeless. He now feels too guilty to be with me after all that he has done. He says things will never be the same again. He immerses himself with his office work which requires constant travelling. He also says that he enjoys being independent and may not really be ready to settle down. He is planning to get a job overseas away from this man and also me, and sort his "life" out. I think he may still be confused although he knows what he has done is very wrong.
I could have forgiven him if he was sexually active only before our marriage but to think that he was still with this man even after our marriage (although he may have been blackmailed at that point). I feel betrayed and feel that he could have been more forceful in saying no to this man.
I have asked my husband to repent but he does not seem too ready as though he felt the whole issue was too out of hand. I have considered asking for divorce but i have had wonderful, loving moments with him so i still love him.
As a wife, I feel like i should be there to support him but since he is rather ambivalent I am not so sure. I am 32 years old and am thinking maybe i should divorce and then find another husband before i am too old.
I also feel so tearful and upset that even when i had done istikharah etc, Allah had allowed me to marry him and now it has turn out like this.
However, he has agreed to meet a marriage counsellor sometime soon.
I hope Allah gives me the strength to continue with my/our life.
Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.
Dear Sister,
I pray this message finds you in a better situation.
There are several issues that I need to address:
1. If this person is abusing your husband, then your husband needs to go to the police and press charges. Regardless of the embarrassment this will cause, you and your husband should not allow this person to continue to victimize the both of you.
2. You and your husband need to seek urgent marital counseling to determine if your marriage is worth saving. Your husband's indifference is more harmful than helpful. Not only has he cheated on you, he has also engaged in homosexuality. Both of these actions are enormities and he needs to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation. Only then can you move forward.
3. Your husband needs to decide where he stands. Either he wants you and this marriage, or he wants to be in an unlawful situation with another man. There's no way he can have it both ways.
4. I know you love your husband, but you need to put your own interests first. Considering your husband's activities, you are exposing yourself to sexually transmitted diseases if you resume your relationship with him. Unfortunately, this is how a lot of women contract HIV/AIDS--through sexual contact with a bisexual male. Please think seriously about your health.
5. Honesty is at the heart of marriage. Not only has your husband betrayed this trust, he doesn't seem willing to repent and rectify the situation. You yourself say that he is confused. At this point, it may be best to consider divorcing him and moving on with your life.
6. I know that you want to be there for him. The most important thing you can do is to get him professional help. Not only is he confused about his sexuality, he has allowed himself to be victimized and abused by another man.
7. Please sit down and have a heartfelt conversation with your husband. Bring up these issues and ask him if he wants to save this marriage. If he won't commit to counseling or is unwilling to stand up to this person, then you might want to end this marriage.
Whatever you decide, don't despair of Allah's guidance. Continue to pray Salat al-Istikhara and ask Allah to guide your husband and forgive his sin. And please seek the advice of a local imam or a Muslim marriage counselor. An Islamic perspective is crucial here.
May Allah make things easy for you.
And Allah knows best.
This answer was published by SunniPath and is preserved as written. Rulings can depend on circumstances; for your own situation, consult a qualified scholar.
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