Questions About “How I Should Be A Good Wife”

A question about the posting “How I Should Be a Good Wife” (from Imam al-Tahanawi):

Where did this come from? it sounds very desi...very cultural...and I am sure it is my ignorance and quite arrogant on my part...but certain parts don't sound right... like #10. The Prophet did things in his home... are our husbands above him?

And the whole in-law part does not coincide with what Shiekh Nuh writes in the Tariqa Notes.

It is my western up bringing...and I try to get over it... but some things just sound inhumane...like the tying of the hands and standing all night... Can you please explain?

Walaikum assalam,

There is no doubt that rulings are necessarily conditioned by the social and cultural environment they are given in. As such, some of the actual prescriptive advice of the article you asked about are not applicable or directly relevant in our contexts.

However, the message of ‘being feminine’ is no doubt important. Too many men are no longer men, and too many women are no longer women…

How such things manifest would differ from place to place. When I talk to some of the Arab brothers here, their expectations from their marital life are radically different from mine… And from talking to them, their wives (who are usually well-educated religious sisters, usually quite exposed to society) too have a very different outlook on life, marriage, and everything. And this is quite different, interestingly, from the outlook of people I tried to observe in Pakistan …

The in-laws thing: there is a difference between one’s legal rights, and how one exercises them.

Just to try to contextualize some of this:

10. Remember, that the peace and harmony between husband and wife is not based on mere empty love. Apart from love, it is also necessary to respect the husband. It is a major error to consider your husband equal to you. Don't ever ask your husband to do anything for you. If he comes to massage your hands or head out of love, do not let him do it. Think for a moment that if your father comes and does this to you will you allow it? So how can you let your husband do this when his status is higher than your father's.

In your actions, your conversations, and in every aspect of your relationship with him always be mindful of your manners and etiquette. If it is your fault and despite this you turn away angrily from him and refuse to speak to him, then this is a sign of great stupidity and immaturity. Actions of this sort cause one to become heart-broken.

This goes back to social customs. Alhamdulillah, my parents have a very good marriage, and my father is a very caring (and food-loving) soul. However, I can’t imagine my father coming and massaging my mother’s hands or head. (Now, however, in his 50s, he is changing …) This is not something Indo-Pak men do, in my experience at least. However, my father has many other ways of expressing his deep love for his wife and children.

It is interesting to note that the scholars have mentioned that the basis of the rulings of marriage in Islam is the Qur’anic injunction that, “ar-rijāluqawwāmūna`ala al-nisā’”

Men are caretakers (qawwamuna) of women, because of that through which Allah has favored one over another, and because of what they spend of their property (Qur'an 4:34 ).

The fuqaha mention that all the rights and responsibilities of both spouses can be understood to go back to this verse. Similarly,  the way to a successful marriage is for both spouses to realize the meanings of this Qur’anic injunction, with the other great Qur’anic verses about the true marriage.

How this concept of ‘qawwamuna’ is practically lived-out would depend in part to society, norms, and the two individuals, as long as it remains within the proper Qur’anic understanding that the Muslim marriage is one of ‘love and mercy,’ and that each spouse is a ‘garment’ for the other. (For a good explanation of ‘qawwamuna’ ,see Sh. Nuh’s article on the topic, available through Sidi Mas’ud Khan’s website.)

12. If your husband's parents are alive and he gives all his money to them and does not give anything to you, do not feel hurt about this. In fact, if he gives you any money, intelligence demands that you do not accept it. Instead, tell him to give it to his parents so that they do not have any evil thoughts about you and do not say that you have taken their son under your control.

This is if the husband is, in fact, properly providing for his wife.

Note that this is from a society where there is little disposable income.  When the author advises that, ‘do not accept it…’ That is, don’t accept immediately, as if you are avid for it. Rather, doing what he mentions would indicate that you love and respect his family (even if they are…!).

The author seems to be encouraging the wife herself get the husband to maintain strong ties with his parents. Parents, especially mothers, are often jealous (whether they realize it or not) about how the wife has ‘taken over’ their son’s life. As such, wisdom would indicate that the wife act in a way that would alleviate this, especially in situations where everyone is in fact living together. This is not a call to give up one’s rights, though. It is prescriptive advice, not a descriptive presentation of the limits.

13. As long as your in-laws are alive, regard serving them and obeying them to be your duty and honour. Don't think about living separately from your mother-in-law and sister-in-law because this is the root of all problems between yourself and your mother-in-law and sister-in-law. You should think for yourself that his parents brought him up and in this old age of their's they got him married so that they may receive some rest and comfort. On the contrary, the moment the daughter-in-law came into the house she is already thinking of asking her husband to leave his mother and father immediately. Once his mother learns that the daughter-in-law is instigating her son to leave the house, numerous problems and squabbles ensue.

The general Qur’anic metaphor for all human relationships is that they be ‘bi’lma`ruf’ (in a goodly manner, with excellence, with that which is appropriate, that which is reasonable, among the meanings mentioned by Raghib al-Isphahani in his  Mufradat Al fadh al-Qur’an and others). This is the basis.

No doubt, at a social level, the wife should treat her husband’s parents with love, respect, and honor, and take care of them in a reasonable manner. With ma`ruf. What is this? It would depend on the situation. It is very different for a sister going to university or working full-time, as opposed to a sister who is not. It is very different for someone who grew up in the West (or, actually, in a westernized environment in the East) from someone of Eastern upbringing…

As for the legal limit: there is no legal expectation that the wife serve her husband’s parents. Similarly, she has the legal right to demand that she live separately from them. The husband has no right to demand either of these, and should know this.

However, a Muslim does not live on the legal edge. He or she tries always to that which is best and most noble. What does Allah want me to do in my situation? What would the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) have done? What would he have instructed me to do? “And know that among you is the Messenger of Allah.”

As for the tying of hands: the example is used for exaggerative emphasis, not to suggest that this is what should actually be done… But if the husband makes such things a habit, a solution would need to be sought… kama la yakhfa

And Allah knows best.

Faraz Rabbani.