My husband dances with other women, what can I do? The Qur'anic Paradigm of Marriage, Commanding the good and forbidding the evil, and other matters

Question: My Questionis in regards to my new husband. He is very "casual" in his relationship with other women, in particular he attends weddings in his country (which are mixed gatherings) and dances with girls that are not mahrem to him. I have appealed to him to stop doing so because it makes me feel jealous as I am not with him, and I miss him so much I also know that he does miss me, but then he goes and continues to do this. What can I do to stop him from acting this way? I don't want to force him to change, and I don't want to nag. 

Walaikum assalam,

In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate

Allah has placed limits on the male-female interaction. These limits, if properly understood, are very reasonable and wise. Our dear teacher, Shaykh Muhammad ibn Adam explained these on the Hanafi Fiqh Forum. See: (http://www.sunnipath.com)

It is not permitted to dance with non-immediate individuals of the opposite sex, nor, in fact, to attend gatherings where such actions take place. Therefore, what your husband is doing is wrong.

So, what can you do about it?

What you can do in your given situation follows the fiqh of commanding the good and forbidding the wrong. This is explained in the article below. Further answers related to this topic may be found at the abovementioned link, inshaAllah.

Show him love, be good to him. Discuss the issue with him, expressing what you feel, and why. The point is to go towards a positive result, not just to ‘make a point.’

Marriage

The Qur’anic paradigm of a successful marriage is one based on love and mercy.

Allah Most High says in the Qur’an:

“030.020 And of His signs is this: He created you of dust, and behold you human beings, ranging widely!

030.021 And of His signs is this: He created for you helpmeets from yourselves that you might find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy. Lo! herein indeed are portents for folk who reflect.”

The word for love here is mawadda. Raghib al-Isfahani explains this in his Mufradat Ilfadh al-Qur’an as:

“Wudd is love of something, and longing for it to be. It is used in both these senses, though it should be noted that longing for something to be contains within it the meaning of love, because longing is the desire to attain unto that which you love.”

Thus, part of the love in the marriage relationship is this warm concern from both parties for the marriage to succeed, both by worldly standards, and by the standards of the Sacred Law of Allah, which is the measure of success on the Day of Judgment.

Wassalam,
Faraz Rabbani